White
by Elisabell-angel enraged
Summary: I know it's my fault. Near got the drugs from me... Near, Gevanni, Halle, Rester. T for sedative use and suicide. Oneshot dn contest entry


Title: White

Rating: T

Warnings: Drug use, suicide

Word count:

Characters: (in order) Halle, Rester, Gevanni, Near, (first paragraph is not narrated by anyone in particular.), mentions of Mello (in passing)

You should be blaming yourself, you know. You gave it to him in the first place.

You should be blaming yourself, you know. You were the hopefull one. You were the one that thought everything would turn out perfectly fine. Nothing in this life has a happy ending.

You should be blaming yourself, you know. You tried to tell yourself that it wasn't your problem. You are just doing your job....

You should all blame yourselves, because that is the only place left to place blame.

***

Every morning I wake up and get dressed. In my line of work, there is little time for breakfast so often I will eat on the go. I'm lucky if I have time to take a shower and throw on some makeup. My appearance is not important in my job.

I always want to get there early, if I make a good impression then I can get a raise. He's never impressed.

Near is always there before I am, no matter how early I get up. I am always the second person to arrive at work, but it's a slight dissapointment to know that I'm not impressing anyone. It's impossible to stand out in Near's eyes, everyone other than him must seem normal or below-basic in comparison. He doesn't talk down to me or the rest of the team, but it's obvious from the way he looks at us that we are below him.

I started to notice that I never saw Near sleep. He was always first to arrive and last to leave, so I started to wonder when he slept. The second these thoughts arose, I brushed it out of my mind. It was not important. I was not one to pry into my boss's habits, so I could really care less.

I wasn't the only one to wonder, I'm sure. I remember that Mello had asked me about it once. He sounded so uncaring, almost as if he was talking about the weather. Simply wanting to know whether or not Near slept just seemed an odd question out of the blue.

In fact, I didn't even know how to answer something like that.

I didn't care either.

***

I watched him, late one night. I had decided to work late that night, being the Commander, I guess it wouldn't be considered unusual.

Merely walking through the main room, in order to get out, I couldn't help but notice that my eyes didn't imediatly find Near. Even if he wasn't trying to, his eyes would usually be drawn in Near's direction, mainly because he stood out among his colorfull toys.

Today, all I could see were the colored blocks built into a tall wall-like structure.

Curious, I approached for a closer look. Looking down, I could see him laying in the middle of his toys. He appeared to be asleep, curled into a tight ball. I wasn't sure what to do and the most sensible thing would be to, of course, leave. Somehow, my parental instinct seemed to always get the better of me with Near around. I had never considered having kids with anyone, but it always seemed as though Near was my child. I seemed to take care of him as if he was.

As I watched in silence, Near opened one eye to look up at me. One dark blank eye, "I'm not sleeping," was the only thing he said.

"I know," I replied. I turned on my heel to leave, knowing that nothing else needed to be said. Near never slept around any of us, that was a simple fact. Nothing would change that. the routines that Near had seemed strong enough.

I tried not to notice when he started feeling tired, once he'd begun sleeping regularily. Of course, I thought it to be a good thing.

An unnatural sleep is not a good thing. Not in the long run.

Damn parental instinct....

***

I know... I thought I was doing something good.

I'm always trying so hard to keep my nose in my own buisness, but I couldn't help but notice. Near never slept. I was slightly concerned, and thought that he might have a hard time. I asked him a few times, but it was barely worth the effort. He was always deliberatly vague in his answers. Whenever I asked the only thing he said was, "nightmares." I was curious as to what Near would have nightmares about, for he seemed to fear nothing. Grisly murders and rape would scare anyone, but Near never showed anything like fear during work.

I don't know what he is like when he's alone, but I know that he doesn't show anything to me or the others.... Despite the fact we are the closest thing to a family he's got.

I feel like an older brother to him. I don't know when I starting thinking this way. I just wanted to help. I thought that he might sleep better if he had assistance. I knew about sedatives, but didn't consider it to be serious.

They just made you go to sleep. I didn't know that they were just like any other drug on the street. I was foolish, and still am foolish.

He took them without question, not asking where I had gotten them or why I had given some to him. Since then, he has slept more often, and that I am greatfull for.

I'm worried however.

He thinks he needs them.

He doesn't realize the dependency is in his head. A sort of mental addiction.

When I don't give him any pills, he just shuts down. Unable to work, unable to sleep. One time he even begged me for the pills.

So sad.... To see him fall from grace like that....

And it's all my fault....

I can't stop giving them to him now. I know I need to make him stop, or he'll get physically addicted instead of just mentally. At the same time.... I don't think I can handle seeing him shut down again.

A brother should be protective not destructive.

***

It's not a surprise. Things like this happen every day to all possible people. A death cannot always be heroic after all.

The movies are so wrong. Sucide shouldn't be shown in such a favorable light.

Not romantic, and not a way out.

There is nothing outside of darkness.

By the time he realizes it, it's already too late.

Too many pills and too much alcohol.

It's not a game anymore, it's for real.


End file.
